


Letting Go

by Agnes Joseph (alray)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, and awkward first times, mention of suicide, post-episode 2.08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 01:48:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9944996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alray/pseuds/Agnes%20Joseph
Summary: The squeak of the patio door sounded inordinately loud when he pushed it open. Even though he'd known this would be where he'd find Magnus, he still sucked in a gasp when he saw his shape lined out against the bright Brooklyn skyline. It wasn't so much Magnus' presence that surprised him - Alec had expected to find him there - but his position. He was leaning over the balcony railing, gazing down into the steep drop falling away below him.He should have known. He really should have known that was the reason Magnus was upset.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic screamed at me to be written after I watched 2.08, because I knew the writers would never give me the resolution I needed.

Something had been niggling at the back of his mind all evening. It was making him uncomfortable, uneasy in his own skin. He couldn't name what it was, and that was the most infuriating part of all, but he kept catching something in Magnus' eyes that made him antsy and restless. He hadn't noticed at first, not with the commotion of the other Warlock and Magnus' amazing way of dealing with her.

But it had started soon after. If Alec didn't know any better he'd almost believe Magnus couldn't quite look him in the eye, his body held rigid and tight every time Alec tried to initiate physical contact. Oh, he smiled at Alec and assured him he was fine, but there was nothing in his usually vibrant eyes to back up that sentiment.

And speaking of eyes, that was another thing that lay open and vulnerable between them. Magnus' Warlock mark. He hadn't trusted Alec with it, but he'd shown his eyes to Max without hesitation. What was Alec supposed to make of that?

He needed to go back for answers. After Max' rune ceremony and their mother's breakdown it was two in the morning by the time Alec found himself at Magnus' door. There was the possibility Magnus would be in bed by now; the thought made him hesitate with his hand on the doorknob.

When the door opened almost at once under his touch it eased some of his worry. If Magnus wanted to be alone he would have made sure no one could just walk inside. The fact that the wards on his loft reacted to Alec's touch at least allayed his concerns about Magnus not wanting to see him.

Despite the reassurance he stepped into the loft with caution. The place was shrouded in darkness, illuminated only by the lights of the city outside and the candles still lit on the balcony wall. Maybe this had been a mistake. Maybe Magnus was in bed after all. There was a sudden, almost painful urge to join him, mold his body to Magnus' and just let the heat of his skin soak into his flesh. They didn't even have to do anything; just being held by Magnus would be enough.

Things had been slightly weird between them since the previous night; inexperienced as he was, Alec wasn't sure if that was normal. He didn't think it was. It was another thing he needed to talk to Magnus about. He shook himself out of the thoughts his mind had turned to and took a step further into the loft.

"Magnus?" he called out softly, not wanting to wake him if he indeed had gone to bed.

No reply came, nor was there any sight of Magnus. A frown forming on his brow, Alec ventured further, his feet carrying him towards Magnus' bedroom. He could feel his heart race as he slid open the door; it quickly dropped back to its normal speed when he found the room empty.

He stood in the doorway a moment longer, wondering where Magnus could have gone to - maybe he wasn't even home - when his gaze moved up towards the ceiling. Suddenly, he knew without a doubt, where he'd find Magnus.

The squeak of the patio door sounded inordinately loud when he pushed it open. Even though he'd known this would be where he'd find Magnus, he still sucked in a gasp when he saw his shape lined out against the bright Brooklyn skyline. It wasn't so much Magnus' presence that surprised him - Alec had expected to find him there - but his position. He was leaning over the balcony railing, gazing down into the steep drop falling away below him.

He should have known. He really should have known that was the reason Magnus was upset. 

He'd taken a step towards Magnus before he stopped himself and held back. The way Magnus was stooped over the low wall, he might as well have pulled up wards around his personal bubble; it was so clear he couldn't stand anyone near him right now. Alec knew Magnus was aware he was there. And yet, he hadn't moved; he just kept staring down.

The thought occurred to him to back off and leave Magnus to whatever he was doing to get this out of his system. He couldn't. He was the reason Magnus was in this state. He couldn't leave him now. 

So Alec just stood on the patio and waited, for what he wasn't even sure. For Magnus to tell him to go away? In the best case scenario, for Magnus to open up and tell him what he was feeling.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed... Moments? Fifteen minutes? When finally Magnus sighed and his back straightened, Alec took a breath, his heart contracting as he thought of what Magnus might say.

"I stood on the ledge of a bridge once," he said, his voice so quiet Alec almost didn't hear him over the sound of the traffic below them. He sucked in a shocked gasp at the confession, but Magnus continued, unrelentingly. "I'd lost so many people. I couldn't bear to lose another. I'd lost T..." His voice shook, the name he was about to utter lost in the shuddering breath he took. "It had been decades since she'd passed, but I couldn't seem to get over her."

Another shocking revelation that made Alec's breath halt. He knew there had been people in Magnus' past. Seventeen thousand of them, even. Why was it such a surprise that Magnus had loved some of them so much that losing them had robbed him of the will to live? He knew how deeply Magnus loved. Or had he thought no one had loved Magnus before he came along, that he was the first to realise how amazing Magnus was?

He didn't even get a chance to pursue that thought, as Magnus, his back still turned to Alec, broke his heart all over again. "All I could think was that nothing was worth this heartache, that oblivion was better than this pain that wouldn't go away."

"Magnus," he breathed, almost a plea to make him stop. Alec was grateful he was allowed to share this with him, but he didn't know how much more he could hear without breaking.

"I looked down at the water churning below me," Magnus continued, ignoring his plea, "and it looked so welcoming. I could picture it surrounding me, swallowing me, filling up the emptiness inside... Until I felt nothing."

It was too much, too soon after his mother's confession. The tears trickled from Alec's eyes, but he let them fall, not even raising a hand to sweep them away.

"So I do understand. I understand wanting to silence the voices screaming inside."

It was with those words Magnus turned around, and Alec's whole world came stumbling to a halt. The look in Magnus' eyes, he would never forget, even if he lived to be a hundred years. They were wide and dark and shimmering with unshed tears. His face was set, the muscle in his cheek twitching as he tried to hold on to his composure.

"But you jumped." His tone was bordering on cold. It was his way of not completely losing it, Alec understood that. Magnus took a shuddering breath, his gaze holding Alec's - there was no way Alec could look away. "You fucking jumped." He shook his head, his composure finally crumbling. "I keep seeing you fall. I keep seeing us scrape you off the sidewalk."

Alec couldn't stand it anymore. He was at Magnus' side in two strides, wrapping him in his arms. Maybe Magnus needed distance right now, but dammit Alec needed to hold him close, cling to his strength.

"It was the spell," he assured in Magnus' ear. Magnus was shaking in his arms but wasn't pushing him away. At least that was something. "I don't really want to jump. The spell made me do it."

Magnus shook his head where it rested against his. "No, that's not how the spell works." He pulled away, but just far enough to look into Alec's eyes. This close, he could see the desperation in Magnus' eyes. "You wanted to jump. All the spell did was give you the push you needed."

Tilting his head, Alec frowned. He really didn't. At least, he didn't think he did. True, he had a tendency to bury emotional hurt under physical pain, but he wasn't suicidal. He saw Magnus' eyes watch him closely, taking in every fluctuation in his expression, watching Alec come to the realisation he'd already reached.

"Once upon a time, maybe," he admitted. "When I still thought I could never have what I wanted." His hands slid across Magnus' back, pulling him close until their chests were pressed together. "When I thought I could never have this."

If Magnus was right about the spell, it might have picked up on that trace of self-loathing still lurking in the back of Alec's mind. He was working on unlearning so many coping mechanisms his mind and body had created across the years; some of them, he realised, were so ingrained he might never completely shed them.

How could he explain he'd never been happier? Since Magnus came into his life, he'd also never been more torn up, but in the best possible way.

At least Magnus had stopped shaking; maybe he did understand what Alec was trying to say. Didn't he always? Alec's mother called their backgrounds disparate; she couldn't be more wrong. Everything Alec felt, Magnus had felt at some point in his life. Maybe that was why they were such a perfect fit.

Magnus' warm breath wafted against his neck, his breathing evening out another indication he was finding his calm center again. As Alec ran soothing hands along Magnus' broad back, he couldn't quite suppress the shiver of excitement running along his skin. Perhaps this was the wrong time, but he was young and discovering sex for the first time. His body had a mind of its own these days, he'd discovered, and even more so when someone as hot and powerful as Magnus Bane was pressed warm all along it.

Yeah, now was definitely not the time to get turned on, but by the Angel, Magnus smelled so good. And the scratch of his beard as he mouthed at Alec's neck was exquisite torture...

Alec's thoughts ground to a shrieking halt at the realisation that Magnus... fuck, he was lapping at his neck, at the deflect rune to be more precise. It hadn't taken Alec long to figure out Magnus had a thing for his deflect rune. It might be the location he was more interested in right now, where it lay right over Alec's pulse point. Maybe that was what Magnus was seeking, the steady throb of Alec's heartbeat, proof that he was alive and well.

Whatever the reason was, Alec was still too new to sex to be unaffected by Magnus' mouth sucking a bruise into his neck. The moan that was torn out of him was drawn out and embarrassingly loud. So loud, Magnus stopped abruptly. The spot that had been slick and hot a moment ago was exposed to the cool night air, and Alec wanted to sink into the ground. Great, he'd ruined a beautiful moment because he couldn't keep his libido under control and now Magnus would be even more upset. His fingers slowly uncurled from where they were gripping Magnus' jacket in a death grip. Magnus would be backing away from him now...

He gasped in shock when he felt two hands grab his face, holding him firmly in place as Magnus gazed into his eyes and whoa... His cat eyes were out. Yellow-gold, blazing with an intensity that sent Alec reeling. He'd caught a glimpse of them earlier that evening, but they'd been directed towards his little brother. He must have held back for Max. He was doing no such thing right now. His eyes shone with a demonic power that was both thrilling and frightening. It shouldn't turn him on even more than he already was. And yet, he could feel his mouth falling open, as he drew in a much needed shaky breath.

And then Magnus spoke, his voice harsh with urgency. "Come to me if the thought ever crosses your mind. Please..." His voice broke on the last word. "I'm not ready to lose you too, my darling." 

It wasn't the first time he'd used a term of endearment, but the way he said it now, his voice shaking with passion, sliced right through Alec. Words failed him; he could only stare back into those shining golden eyes and nod. 

"If you can't come to me," Magnus insisted, "go to Jace or Izzy or whoever you need."

Alec nodded again - for a moment they just looked at each other, Magnus' gaze still intense as his thumb gently brushed tears from Alec's cheek. And then Magnus' mouth crashed into his and all Alec could was hold on.

It would seem the cat eyes weren't the only thing Magnus had held back on. Alec was so used to Magnus letting him set the pace when it came to... well, everything where they were concerned. To have all that concentrated power directed at him without restraint was overwhelming to say the least. He couldn't stop himself from whimpering.

His arms closed around Magnus, as much to haul him closer as to cling to him for strength. Magnus' fingers slid through his hair, curling almost painfully for purchase, as his mouth latched onto Alec's again and again. If he'd thought he was getting hard before, he was now straining against his pants.

His senses were so overstimulated he barely noticed Magnus steering them back until he felt the patio couch against the back of his knees. He fell down onto it by their momentum more than Magnus pushing him down, but here too he barely got a chance to recover, his lap almost instantly taken up by Magnus straddling his thighs. He gasped into the mouth covering his, as he writhed under the weight pinning him to the soft cushions. The hardness of Magnus' body against his, his cock grinding up against Alec's, it was making him lose his mind.

He'd known, of course. He'd known all the power that lay bubbling beneath that usually calm and playful surface of Magnus' skin, but he'd never had it directed at him with such single-minded intent. Last night hadn't been bad per se, just maybe a bit underwhelming? Magnus had let Alec do his thing, discover what he liked and didn't like, and that was the problem: he didn't know. To have control taken away from him was thrilling.

What had let out all that contained power now? Was it watching Alec almost die? Was it the confrontation with that other Warlock? Alec wasn't complaining; he was just trying for dear life to hold on.

He caught a chance to catch his breath when Magnus broke the kiss, but only to slide his mouth along a wet path across Alec's cheek to lavish more attention to the deflect rune. All the while, knees planted on either side of Alec's thighs, his hips kept up that exquisite rhythm, driving Alec even more into a frenzy. If he kept it up, Alec was going to come in his pants, right there.

The scent of Magnus was enveloping him. It was intoxicating, but that damn cravat was keeping him from what he wanted. The way Alec's hands were shaking, it was a small miracle he managed to undo the knot, but he finally did, discarding the cravat to the ground and burying his nose in that heady smell. 

That was when Magnus' teeth grazed across the deflect rune, a sensitive spot under the best of circumstances, and Alec's hips came clean off the seat, his breath coming in ragged gasps.

"Magnus," he almost pleaded. What for, he wasn't sure. Certainly not to stop.

Magnus soothed the sore spot on his neck with a kiss before he lifted his head to look into Alec's eyes.

Sweet angel above... Alec sucked in another shaky breath. His cat eyes were still out; was Magnus even aware? The pupils weren't slits anymore. They were blown into round black bullets. It made them look even more dangerous and other-worldly. They shouldn't make him even more aroused, but by the Angel, they were beautiful.

Those round, dark pupils were searching Alec's face, probably for any sign he wanted to stop. They wouldn't find any. Alec wanted this, wanted this so very much. All he felt was a little too exposed. Jace could be coming home any minute. And what about Magnus' neighbours?

The slow grin of understanding that spread across Magnus' face was fanning the flames even higher and when, with a snap of his fingers, a curtain of shimmering magic shielded them from any prying eyes, Alec almost couldn't breathe with how turned on he was. The sheer ease of the gesture, proof of all that power Magnus held at his fingertips, it was always such a fucking turn on.

With one hand on Magnus' hip he'd hauled him against his own body again, his other hand behind Magnus' head to drag his mouth back against his. Oh, yeah, he was going to come in his pants, there was no doubt about it. In his defense, he had the hottest man on the face of the planet writhing in his lap; he could be forgiven if he came like a teenage boy.

As Magnus sucked on his lower lip before he dove back in for another kiss, his cock grinding against Alec's, all Alec could do was hold on. The hand at Magnus' hip scrambled for his shirt, pulling it from his waistband impatiently. They both sighed when Alec's hand spread across the heated skin of Magnus' back. 

He had to stop kissing Magnus, the need to pant out ragged breaths more important. Magnus must have known he was close; he chose that moment to tighten his grasp on Alec's hair, pulling his head back, exposing his neck so he could latch onto the deflect rune and yes, that would do it.

He came, shaking, and gasping for breath. As he slowly came down, he realised his hands were trailing lazy strokes across Magnus' broad back. The next thing he noticed was the sound of Magnus giggling with his mouth still attached to Alec's neck. It was then that it hit Alec. Magnus had wanted him to come in his pants. He'd wanted him to stop overthinking it and just go with the moment. He couldn't really seem to mind, not even about the mess in his pants, not when he was feeling this good and relaxed. He sighed in bliss as he sank, almost boneless, into the couch cushions.

Straightening, Magnus scooted a little on his lap, but he didn't get off Alec. His fingers playing with the hair at the back of Alec's neck, he looked so pleased with himself; with that self-satisfied grin plastered across his face, his cat eyes still blazing, he looked breathtaking. Now that the edge was off, a new calmness seemed to descend on Alec. His hands moved with a confidence he'd rarely felt before, to slide Magnus' jacket off. It fell to the patio floor with a soft rustle. A shimmer danced across Magnus' eyes as he watched Alec's fingers move to the buttons of his shirt and snap them open one by one.

With those eyes turned away from him, Alec felt like he could ask the question that had been burning on his mind all evening. "Why did you feel you could show your eyes to Max and not to me?"

Startlement flew across Magnus' face, his eyes shooting back up to meet Alec's. "I didn't think you'd want to be reminded of the demon part of me." Alec's eyes widened in alarm at the hesitation in Magnus' voice, but before he could get too worried, an expression that could only be described as devishly evil crossed Magnus' face. His voice was velvet heat when he added, "If I'd known it would bring out the beast in you..."

He used his fingers tangled in the front of Magnus' shirt to haul him towards him, their mouths instantly finding each other. Their kisses were a lot less frantic, now that the immediate urgency had gone. For Alec, at least. Magnus hadn't come yet, but then he wasn't the one who'd been an inexperienced virgin until last night. While they exchanged unhurried kisses, Alec slid his hands under Magnus' shirt, relishing the feeling of his hard body as the shirt joined Magnus' jacket on the floor.

He couldn't get enough of Magnus' naked skin beneath his hands. He let his touch roam across his broad shoulders, down those muscular arms. Never in his wildest dreams would he have thought he could have this; to have someone as beautiful as Magnus Bane want him hadn't even been within the realm of possibilities. And now here he was, getting to run his hands across every gorgeous inch of this amazing man, while he sighed and licked soft kisses into Alec's mouth.

"You can do that again, you know?" he said, his breath ghosting across Magnus' mouth.

"Mmmn?" was Magnus' eloquent answer. He seemed more intent on kissing Alec some more. His soft hands were holding Alec's face with such tenderness it was making his heart ache.

He wasn't really sure how to phrase what he meant. "Take charge like that." He cleared his throat when his voice lurched high. "It's not because I'm inexperienced you have to treat me with kid gloves." Magnus pulled back just far enough to raise a surprised eyebrow at him. It made it even more difficult for Alec to get the words out. "It was hot," he finally managed to stammer.

That slow, wicked smile curled around Magnus' mouth again. Damn, but he really was too hot. "I didn't want to scare you off."

"Not going to happen," Alec assured. To illustrate his point, he brushed the back of his fingers along Magnus' hard cock.

It was a thrill to watch Magnus' eyes flutter closed, his breath growing more shallow when Alec popped the button of his pants. He couldn't look away from Magnus' face, took in every subtle change as he pulled down the zipper.

Oh, he wasn't wearing any underwear. 

"Fuuuuck..." 

The drawn out curse was warranted. If Magnus wasn't wearing any underwear that meant he'd stood next to Alec like that all evening. Fuck, he'd walked around the party like that, dispensed with Iris Rouse with perfect poise, like a brazen hussy.

He raised his eyes to give Magnus an incredulous Really? look. The sheer smugness in Magnus' casual shrug left no doubt about it. He'd done it as a silent fuck you to Alec's mother as well.

His eyes quickly dropped back to Magnus' lap. It should be weird, right? Looking at another man's penis? But it wasn't. Magnus' cock was as beautiful as the rest of him. Different from Alec's, though. For one thing, Magnus wasn't circumcised, which made sense seeing where and when he'd been born. 

Damn, what was he supposed to do now? He was overthinking it again, as always. It would soon get awkward again...

Magnus must have realised what was going through Alec's head. Or he'd taken heed of Alec's words to take charge. Whatever the reason, before things could get weird, Magnus grabbed Alec's shirt collar and used it to pull him closer. A few searing kisses later, there was no room in Alec's head for panic or overthinking things.

When Magnus pulled back, he smiled, warm and tender. Lifting Alec's right hand to his mouth, he pressed a soft kiss to its palm. It was all very pleasant, but Alec couldn't help looking at Magnus with a confused frown. It all became clear when Magnus blew on Alec's palm and the warm, blue glow of magic from his lips coalesced into the slippery sensation of lube on his fingers.

Oh... He could do that. He was practically an expert on getting himself off. How much different could it be? Magnus made sure he didn't get a chance to think about it too much by pulling him into a kiss, guiding Alec's hand down to his cock at the same time. And yeah, it felt different too, but Magnus was sighing into his mouth with pleasure, so he must be doing something right. He soon got the hang of it, and when Magnus rose on his knees, pumping into his fist, their kissing got sloppier. Alec even grew adventurous enough to run his thumb along the head, something that always did the trick on himself. Magnus let out a drawn out moan that made Alec grin and try it again. 

It should have been weird. Alec, still fully dressed, with a half-naked Magnus on his lap, his pants shoved down his ass, but it was the best thing ever. When Magnus came, his mouth falling open, his cat eyes wide and wild, he was the most beautiful thing Alec had ever set eyes on.

Alec wiped his hand on his pants, as Magnus slumped against him, trying to catch his breath. They were already ruined anyway. He was sure Magnus would have them cleaned up with a snap of his fingers, but he was too content to move, with Magnus warm and humming with pleasure against him. As his hands stroked leisurely along Magnus' back, it occurred to Alec that only one thing could make this better and that was if they were both naked. Maybe later tonight.

The Angel knew what possessed him to choose that moment of bliss to say what he did, but the words were out before he could stop himself. "What got you off the ledge of that bridge?"

He could practically feel all the contentment drain from Magnus, his body tensing up against Alec's. He seemed to be unsure how to reply. Finally, he sighed and said, "Not what. Who."

Oh... Served him right for asking, he supposed. "Camille?"

There was another moment of hesitation before Magnus replied with a soft, "Yes."

"Is that why you're so..." His voice trailed off. What was the word? Obsessed? Why he was so obsessed with her?

Magnus seemed to understand without him having to elaborate. "More or less. Our relationship was far from perfect, but she was my rock for such a long time." He sighed, his breath a soft whisper against Alec's neck. "She saved my life."

"You saved mine," Alec pointed out. 

Those words made Magnus lift his head from where it had been resting against Alec's shoulder. He looked at Alec with wonder, his eyes, the glamoured ones this time, were dark and questioning. 

Alec almost felt weird about asking the question, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "Will you be my rock?"

The cat eyes were back in a flash; that golden shimmer flew across them. "Oh, Alexander," he breathed, before he dove in for another kiss, the word, "Yes," whispered against his lips.


End file.
